This Baby of Mine

It’s easy to worry, and to let worry eat at you. I know the past few weeks have been turbulent and sometimes I wonder if I am crazy to have started what I did.
But along the way I’ve met friends and learnt about others, and that makes it worthwhile. I also feel that I’ve grown so much along the way, giving myself a chance to really look into myself and learn how I’ve changed over the last few years.
One friend asked me, rather astutely, “You goal post has changed, right?”
I nodded and smiled. Yes, I think so. Four years ago, I was quite gungho about going back to school. To earn my Masters. To give myself that academic boost.
I am reaching the end of my journey soon. I don’t know whether to cry with relief that it’s all over or to cry because it is so anticlimatic.
I believe it’s like giving birth. You have this “baby” inside you for 9 months and then all the anticipation, pride and joy comes when the “baby” is born. But sometimes, you are crestfallen when the “baby” is not what you envisioned it to be. Perhaps a pet terrier would have been easier, better, nicer.
I believe my journey is like that. I’ve had major ups and downs. I’ve seen the same happen to my friends who’ve taken their Masters and then… nothing. What happens is that life continues. Another chapter closes and that’s it.
I’ve also learnt that sometimes it’s okay to let go of certain ideals and starve the ego. I’ve learnt that I don’t need to live up to anyone’s ideal anymore. I am me. It took me some time to realise that I need to live my life my way, not dictated by what others think.
And finally to be able to release myself from that fear and worry, of endless late nights staring into the laptop, wondering if my thesis is ever going to see the light of day, of whether my supervisor is going to growl at me and make me re-write a particular chapter for the umpteenth time…
I am going to finally accept myself and say, que sera sera. I’m going to release this ball of fear and worry and let both float away and whatever the outcome, I shall have enjoyed the ride. I met many great people, read many journals and books that my eyes and brains have popped, and discovered more about myself than any new age Jung or Freud could.
I have allowed myself to follow a strange path which I may not want to travess again. But I shall have come away with precious experiences on how to be a better me.
P/S: Insights learnt – Doing a postgrad degree is not for everyone. It’s mentally frustrating and tiring. It’s often tougher than you think. Do it for the right reasons. Do it because you want to, and that it makes you happy. Don’t go at it like a battle to be won at all costs. It never works that way. Don’t think you have to write a Nobel Prize thesis. Most people won’t appreciate it. If you can, replicate someone else’s work. Above all, there is a status quo. Some boats will not be rocked. Some people will not be happy. And yes, there are politics. Even in academia. It’s not what you write but whom you write it for. Tough but true. And if you’re lucky, you won’t get a viva.

2 thoughts on “This Baby of Mine”

  1. Maya,
    Hang in there, post-partum depression, post-thesis blues, whatever. Give yourself a nice treat for finishing a tough assignment in life.
    I flunked out mine!
    Take time to think out what you really care about and what you want to do.
    Fear not.

  2. Thanks Alchemist. It’s still not over until it’s over…like until it gets marked and someone says I passed. But then again, I’ve made my own peace somehow. Thanks for the encouragement. You’re right. The more important thing is to do what I want to do.


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